I’ve tasked myself with writing about film or visual media in some way evey Thursday. Simple right? just write one little essay once a week. Well i don’t give a fuck this week so what do I do? just babble like I am now at you dear reader. I’m at a point I hardly give a fuck about myself but care way too much about myself. Im fucking tired of my life ive created fro myself right now. Im depressed in a nutshell. Sun doesnt seem to shine as bright all that trivial bullshit ya know sleeping alot at times you shoukdnt angry for no reason all that fun shit really really not giving a fuck about anyone truly. I’m just in a bad fucking mood and place and feel stuck and have no idea how to get out. I’ve heard from people just do little things to change yourself sure yeah im trying and im just more frustrated but here i sit again bitching on.
I watched a film called ‘Beautiful Thing’ and I fucking loved it. i’d like to give you anlsis but I dont think I really can at the moment. its a queer love story of two boys from 1996. Its sweet but what I like most is its real. The characters are fucking messy. That I understnad completely. I love characters that feel so fucked up, rude and in indated withtheri own shit they can’t get out of their own way. Those are the folks i grew up with i Avoid or try to avoid them now in my own life because they seem too real, take me back to dark ages, even though everyone i work with is that way and most humans are exactly that messy fucks.
I also started to re watch ‘MR. ROBOT’. As I statred to induldge agai n i realized oh I am seriously deprsssed and all fucked up right now because I am so drawn to this show again. i think I can see or understand my emotional moods by what medai I enduldge in. This is a tell tail sign. The show is amazing absotely gorgeous and so dense touching on so many sbjects. its a show like ‘The Wire’ or ‘the Sopranos’ which I sit back and go how the fuck did humans actually write all this. these deep societal issues but packaged in the intimate parts of individuals lives. its midn boggling to me. i realized though that i am in a mood because almost after every episode of MR. Robot their is a help line number like call yhis one if your suicidal or addicted or in an abusive realationship and I was like wow i forgot thats att he end of each episode becuase they are all so fucking dark. But right now I connect with it hard. nice of them to do but also I’m like wow Im probably watcbhing one of the darkest series ever at the moment. binging it no less. Thats my state of mind. I’m fucking fried like Elloit in the show. I see that darkness I have behind my own eyes. That 3 persona chaos. All the trauma that i can’t let go or it wont let go of me, vis versea.
so here is my obligation fullfilled, okay happy. FUCK it I dont care. im not editing this one so do what you will with it. Hopefully next week ill be in a better space. We just wait it out right? try little things that dont work but know time can work magic and ultimately bring on the doom that eventually consumes. What a Wondefful life.
A hug would do me good.
