Art never fixes me but sometimes gives me hope or I feel seen, Like Guardians Vol. 3. Whenever the movie ends I fall apart again. I think the only way I know how to deal with emotional pain is to wallow in it. Films I watch thinking maybe it will save me, how that would be possible i Have no fucking idea. Music I used to do that with as a kid as well listening to albums like Third eye blind self titled and reading along to the lyrics on the back of the cd covers or Semisonic’s album feeling strangely fine. that title encapsulates how I’m always feeling since then til now, then being 1998 when things really came into view. I avoid my thoughts with films like I used to do with boooze but in the end just makes it worse. I have no idea how to grieve I realize now, like what do you do, i keep hearing people say everyone does it differently well fuck off give me an example. The bar used to make me feel less alone or part of a community but I don’t have that anymore so i live in films with fictious characters hoping they will like me back through the buzzing screen. i was wasting time in the bars now im sober and alone wasting time on films. The fear to move. To do anything i’m stuck I start to do something and i get a headache or my palms profusely sweat or i get the shits or my back starts spasming as it is right fucking now as i write this! I watched a recorded Coachella performance of Skrillex, Four Tet, and Fred Again.. the other day and was sobbing as one of my favorite electro artists spun ‘Party in the USA’ by Miley Cyrus. I had a moment of ‘what is wrong with me’ but then it hit me; clubs and EDM or underground electronica music shows used to be my sanctuary. Get me back into rhythm with my body. the rhythm of that music is self regulating science even says it. also watching these 3 very different electronic producers/Djs mix B2B and them have so much joy made me miss joy i used to have.
A numbness has seized me in many ways. Films still move me but also just fuck me up because when i’m down i’m finding the hardest ones that dig me deeper in the hole I’m down in already. why do i punish myself I thin, I sickly like it a bit. its what I know. i don’t want to become my mother who died a bit ago at 58 years young with nothing to show for it except a fucked up son like me. Outside of that i have no idea what her life was worth. She had an awful life to be honest. I was so sad for her I am even more now. if my damn fucking aunt keeps talking about her being in hell ill knock her the fuck out, I swear. I want to believe my mothers at peace but as Donnie Yen says in John Wick4 “only the living matter, the dead are gone” or Orsen Welles in the Third Man “the dead don’t mind old boy, no matter to them.” So why am i still flying off the handle here why am i breaking down still she is dead cant change a damn thing. I want to fix her life i wanted to make it better or save her. I wasn’t even born and my mother was already fucked. She was molested and beat by my scumbag grandfather Jimmy a decorated fire fighter. He is the person that makes me wish a hell was real even though i know its not. He is still living that fucking prick cunt asshole fuck head. The good die young or something right. My grandfather and Kissinger seem to want to live forever, that evil like a life elixir maybe they are so afraid of hell they just keep willing themselves alive. My grandfather probably has just mummified his organs with booze by this point. im not sure why I’m telling you all this but i need to get it off my chest I guess the best I can do. I watched a couple of films that put me int his frame of mind too The innocent 2022 and Burning 2019, a French and Korean film so you can guess they weren’t easy watches. But what they made me realize is how hard it is for humans to communicate with each other honestly. we sit for months years whatever it may be waiting for the right time or to say they right thing but honestly we just need to say it, anything get it out of your fucking head or you do crazy shit which happens in both films, i wont give them away but trust me they both go sideways.
the Innocet film 2022
I’ve never gotten the timing right. I’ve had so much loss in my life and ive never dealt with it and i never got the chance to say goodbye to so many people. my cousin Grant over dosed after a show when I was in highschool we were supposed to see him that day we didn’t go, my grandfather the one i loved was dying int he hospital and i couldn’t go visit him because i was too afraid of the hospital i jus stood outside his room, my friend Kelly the coolest person I ever knew killed herself last year and i forgot to get back to her months earlier, my mother died and I didn’t know for a year just kept leaving empty messages on her phone when i was supposed to call her back in 2 weeks but I waited 2 months and she was already dead, my ex who is still alive thankfully I cancelled on her last time she wanted to see me just as friends now she wont speak to me understandably, my buddy Christin I was supposed to see on the Cape but i cancelled and he died of an overdose out there, and many more. I had chances but I squander them for some reason. I don’t tell myself or others how much I love them enough. I dont appreciate them moment AND ONLY LIVE IN THE MOMENT WHEN THE PAIN comes. I cant remember the good times even though they exists because i love to destroy that timeline cause i don’t even think I deserve nice memories of solace. I’m once again crazy in my life but I wont kill myself because i love to suffer too much, and what’s a worse suffering than being alive stuck in the bad neighborhood of my little ol mind. I keep thinking ill find some hidden gem of wisdom in dark films, that I connect with like it will tell me how to live or what to do, the elixir. No such epiphany has happened yet and it never will. Art and films are just showing the chaos in us not much more it can show good or bad but they aren’t a religion and don’t save damn well if religion does that either though that commuity of people would be nice right now. My timing is off because i’m scared I’m the one who has faltered because I avoid the distressing things or simple thing like connecting or showing love cause i’m all sorts of traumatized. That is film, my escape that is art my escape but what do I do if I’m not escaping I’m not sure.
I keep holding on because guilt and gripping too tight feels comfortable. I like it, the uncomfortable comfortable. It was how I was raised i know not of another way of thinking. It seems I was a sponge as a kid sucking up all the pain and chaos around me and still after 33 years haven’t found a perfect outlet to release all of it. I think it may someday be art, any kind hopefully but its probably something i don’t even see right now but i need to explore myself more. I’m giving myself this year from now until this time next year to chill the fuck out stop judging myself or trying to write the next great novel or whatever instead I just need to listen to myself my body be in the present and see where that gets me now finally almost a year sober. I’ve never tried this stuff sober i find sober I’m trying to distract myself even more, with phone movies podcast whatever it my be while loving to relish in my own pain and guilt. my grandmother said something profound to me i’ve heard a thousand times but never listened to it before now, “why do you keep focusing on those things, everyone has regrets but its the past it wont change” I keep my past alive why? not fully sure, probably the punishment thing or if i keep reliving the memories even if horrid at least they are still alive somehow in my own diluted head. why not focus on the good times and they are at peace now that the real question I should be asking. But changing a mindset is the hardest challenge I’ve had to face and that is what I have to do now. Just like Rocket racoon. Accept I am a racoon. Face up to my past and begin to be reborn.
